


Fragile Things

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Ren-Write [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Backstory Rewrite, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Canon Rewrite, Character Rewrite, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Crushes, Cute Kids, Evil Snoke, Heavy Angst, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, M/M, No underage, POV Kylo Ren, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Pining Ben Solo, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Protective Ben Solo, Protective Poe Dameron, Torture, Young Ben Solo, Young Poe Dameron, happy flashbacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-07 13:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15220073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: In which I rewrite Kylo Ren’s backstory — yet again.





	1. Prologue: Devastation

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Call it a case of rewriting/filling in the gaps in Ben’s backstory just to make more sense.

It was in the privacy of his room that Poe Dameron had time to think, away from the others, and he couldn’t help but be grateful for that. 

They were trying, stars willing. Trying to comfort him over the fact that Ben had left, just walked out of his life on his way to stars knew where. But he couldn’t say that it actually helped. He needed time — time away from the people who were clearly keeping secrets about Ben from him, because really, what secrets did they have to keep? 

It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense. Something about Ben stumbling away from the Temple, his robes dusty and sooty, still stuck in his memory, because nothing about that night made any sense...

Or maybe it was just his brain stuck in denial. That was the first stage of grief, wasn’t it? Denial. Rationalizing, in his case. Trying to find logic when it was obvious that Ben was gone. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Ben’s things. Things that Ben had given him over the years, bits and pieces of his life. From the time he was five, when they first met, to now. Ben was grown up, so was Poe, and he had gone away. 

Poe picked up a toy model of a ship. An X-wing. Ben had given it to him when he was five and Poe was eight. Tenderly, he cradled it in one hand, already swept back to that day on Yavin IV when they first met. 

***

_Poe was already lost. That was putting it mildly. Wandering through the forest, and already starting to get scared. He shouldn’t have shouted at Papa, but he had just been so angry, and —_

_It was hearing the sniffles that he found the little boy, black-haired and tiny and fragile-looking, huddled against the Force Sensitive tree._

_The little boy looked particularly distressed, and Poe, already feeling bad from the argument with his father, felt a strange sort of protectiveness towards the young boy, probably not that much younger than him. But he seemed like practically a baby, especially huddled up against the Force Sensitive tree like he was. Poe paused; how was he going to comfort the small child? Was anyone really prepared for that?_

_Still, he was a Big Kid, and big kids were supposed to look out for those littler than them._

_He approached the boy. “Um, hi,” he began. “You okay?”_

_The boy raised his head, tears streaking his face. He looked so tiny that Poe wanted to protect him. “Not really.”_

_”I’m not really okay either. Hey,” Poe said. “Maybe we can help each other.”_

_”Could we?” The boy perked up a bit. There was a light that came to his eyes that Poe found instantly endearing._

_“Yeah.” Poe smiled. “I’m Poe, by the way. Poe Dameron.”_

_”Dameron?" The boy’s eyes practically sparkled. “My daddy told me stories about you and your dad. About how your mommy was the bestest pilot who ever lived!”_

_Poe faltered. Thinking of his mother brought him back to the fight with his father earlier. The boy looked at him, worry on his face. “I didn’t say something bad, did I?”_

_”No,” Poe said._

_“She died, didn’t she?” The boy’s voice was soft, and Poe nearly jumped at how easily the boy could read him._

_“Yeah.” Poe’s voice cracked._

_“I’m sorry.” Then, almost chirpily, “She might be with the Force, you know.”_

_”The Force?” Poe said._

_“Yeah!” And even as the boy went on about how the dead went to this afterlife called the Force when they died (as far as Poe could understand), Poe couldn’t help but feel a sort of hope for his mama. If she was still there, in this Force..._

_”That’s so...wizard!” Poe grinned despite himself._

_“Isn’t it?” said the little boy. He smiled through his tears. “I’m Ben.”_

_And even as they talked, Poe felt the earlier pain of the day fade, if slightly. Even when they had to leave, Poe kept the model X-wing that Ben had given him, as a reminder of one of his new friends._

_***_

It was back in the present that Poe smiled faintly. Ben had been so little and innocent back then, and Poe had been determined even moreso to protect him. Shield him. This wasn’t the only thing of Ben’s, though. 

It seemed that even rifling through that box would be enough to set off memories. And yet Poe couldn’t stop. 

He doubted he wanted to. It would hurt him even more. But he had to remember. 

Had to. 

Poe rustled through the box, and let the memories wash over him. 


	2. Hyperspace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben reflects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Hyperspace was taking a while, and Ben Solo had all the time in the galaxy to think. 

He hadn’t stolen his father’s ship. He had taken a shuttle long after he had left his uncle behind, and now, he all but wanted to weep. His uncle, with one fleeting thought, had taken everything from him — his sense of home, his sense of community, Poe —

Well, he had left Poe behind. It was for the best. Poe didn’t deserve to be dragged into this mess just because of what Luke nearly did. Leaving Poe behind had been necessary, to keep him _safe_ , and —

Ben rubbed his temples. He almost wished that there was something in the shuttle that he could toss around or throw. Stars willing, he knew he could use that. 

Katrina Ares came up to the cockpit. She was not that much older than Ben, with long dark hair that fell to her shoulders. She looked at Ben. “Are you all right?”

Ben sighed. “I wish I was.”

”You did the right thing. You didn’t want to put him in danger too.” Katrina looked at him with a sort of melancholy understanding. 

“But what about the alternative, Kat?”

 Katrina looked like she hadn’t really considered that, actually. “I’m sure wherever he is, he’s safe.”

”Is he?” Kylo said. 

“It’s possible.” Katrina sighed. “I better check on the others. Make sure they’re all right. Can you operate things from up here?”

”I can.”

Ben was alone now, and he thought immediately of Poe. Thought of his parting message, where “You’ll always be my best friend” might as well have meant “I will always love you”. Words he just didn’t have the courage to say out loud. Words that he could have said, if he wasn’t afraid. 

Because he did. Because he loved Poe, even if he felt like he couldn’t say anything. 

He sat in the cockpit of the shuttle, and he looked out into the swirling vortex that was hyperspace. He wondered, absently, what Poe was doing, if he was all right, where he was. Had he made the right decision, ultimately, in leaving Poe behind? Should Poe have been up in the cockpit with him, looking into hyperspace with him? 

He should have been. And yet Ben couldn’t do that. Bring him into something that he had nothing to do with. Poe had no place in this story. He was just a pilot, an innocent, who Luke (even calling him “uncle” was enough to make him shudder) had —

Tears welled up in his eyes and he hastily scrubbed them away. He had to focus. Had to...

His eyes drifted shut. And all the while, he dreamed, dreamed of drowning and Poe being unable to reach him, no matter how he tried. 


	3. Crystals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Poe remembers how Ben taught him about the Force and the Jedi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The map of the Academy was up next. Even as Poe picked it up, he could point out the path where Dad led him up to the Academy to see Ben, and many other places — the waterfalls that Poe had shown to Ben when they were still little, the flying site where Poe practiced his flying when he first signed up for the New Republic Academy, and more. Even looking at the map, Poe almost felt like he hadn’t really accessed those memories in years, and it was like a gateway was opening. 

***

_The thing about Ben was that he seemed to have some problems making friends at the Academy. At least as far as Poe knew. Kat Ares and Elias Zed seemed to be the closest he really had to friends. And Poe, of course. Poe wasn’t a Jedi, but he did make a point to try and get Dad to visit the Academy where Ben trained, if he could._

_Not that Master Skywalker approved, of course. Sometimes Poe could swear that Master Skywalker didn’t like him much. Or didn’t trust him. But why? He’d never do anything to hurt Ben. Ben was his friend._

_It was one time when they were just sitting around that Poe said, “So what’s being a Jedi like?”_

_Ben brightened. “It’s so cool!” he said. “You get to go around and use a laser sword to defend people. You also get to use the Force, and lift people up and lift rocks and...”_

_Even listening to Ben ramble about what the Force could do, what it was like being a Jedi, Poe couldn’t help but lean in and listen. Ben had a talent for just making you want to listen to him. And he sounded so excited, so full of light— it was enough for Poe to wish that he could keep that sort of light, that happiness, in his friend. Ben just seemed sad a lot, or really uncertain or shy, and Poe wished that he could just make it go away._

_If he were a Force user, maybe he could do it. Without the Force...he was useless. He wasn’t as good as Ben. After all, Ben had all these talents, like reading minds and lifting stuff, and he was only six now._

_Ben seemed to catch his thoughts because he furrowed his small brow. “You’re not useless!”_

_“I’m not you.”_

_”My daddy doesn’t have the Force, and he’s not useless. Mommy doesn’t use it, but she’s not useless.” Ben’s eyes were earnest, deep brown, practically enormous. “You’re not useless!”_

_And hearing it from Ben was a lot like magic, actually._

_“Can you show me?” Poe said. “Some of the stuff you can do with the Force?”_

_Ben’s eyes brightened, and he turned towards the blocks, held out a hand. They lifted up, hovering above the ground, and Poe watched in amazement. Ben’s face was scrunched up a little in concentration, only for the blocks to fall at the sound of footsteps._

_Master Skywalker crossed around a corner, a look of reproach on his face. Poe was suddenly aware of how much taller he seemed than the rest of them._

_“What are you doing?” he said._

_Ben’s face fell. “I was just showing Poe the Force,” he said._

_“It’s not his fault!” Poe protested. “I asked him to...”_

_Master Skywalker sighed. “You shouldn’t be just showing off the Force at will, Ben,” he said. “The Force isn’t something to be trifled with. It’s not a toy. If you continue that way, you may go down a dark path.”_

_Poe didn’t know what that meant, but judging from the look on Ben’s face, wide-eyed with a quivering lower lip, a look of fear, he supposed it wasn’t good. Poe took Ben’s hand._

_“No, he won’t!” he said. “Ben’s not that person!”_

_Master Skywalker was quiet. Then, “He needs to learn.”_

_Long after Master Skywalker left, Poe turned to Ben. “What did he mean?”_

_Ben sniffled. “It’s the bad path,” he said, “The really bad path. They’ve got red lightsabers, and yellow eyes, and they hurt people. Uncle Luke thinks I might b-be — ’’_

_“No, you’re not,” Poe said. “Really really.” A beat. “So what color lightsabers do you get?”_

_Ben’s face brightened, and even as he rattled off the types of lightsabers and the different classes (occasionally stumbling over them in his enthusiasm), Poe knew that if he were a Jedi, he wouldn’t mind having Ben as his teacher. Really really._

***

Back in the present, Poe smiled faintly. In hindsight, that was probably one way of saying that he was in love with Ben before he even knew what that concept was like. And even now...

He loved him. 

It had only become blindingly obvious when they were old enough, when Poe was twenty-one, but in hindsight, that whole incident with the blocks was just one of many instances where Poe loved Ben Solo, and would always love Ben Solo. 

A knock on the door. “Poe? It’s me, Jess. Are you okay?”

”Yeah.” 

“Can I come in?”

”Not now.”

A sigh. “You can’t stay in there forever.”

”Try me.” Poe said, and he was aware of how childish it sounded. 

A sigh. “Fine, I’ll give you some space. Really.”

”Jess...”

The sounds of footsteps fading down the corridor. Poe sighed in frustration. Good job, Dameron. You just got her upset. 

Even putting the map back, he came across a bag of crystals. Ben had given him that, on one of his explorations, when he was still six.

***

” _I got you something!”_

_Even as Ben bounded over, Poe grinned in excitement. “Really?”_

_”Yeah! Light-saber crystals!” Ben grinned back. “I made sure you got the pretty ones; the yellow crystals are yucky...”_

_All on the table were multiple crystals — blue, green, silver, orange, purple...Poe swallowed. “Those are for me?” he said._

_“Yeah! You’re my bestest friend.”_

_Poe smiled. Something about that — he didn’t know if he wanted to share Ben with anyone else. “You’re my best friend too.”_


	4. On the Subject Of Requitement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben meets Snoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben was woken up by the sound of the ship beeping, and as he scrubbed sleep from his eyes, he realized that he was within reach of possibly one of the biggest ships that he had ever seen. Massive, practically blotting out the stars. Pure white and silver. Even trying to move them out of the way of the ship’s path, Ben couldn’t do it. He was caught in the ship’s tractor beam. They all were. 

Katrina ran up towards the cockpit with Elias. “What happened?”

”We’re stuck,” Ben said. “In a tractor beam.”

Elias cursed. “Can you use a shroud to throw them off?”

Even searching frantically, Ben found nothing. The shuttle pulled into the hangar bay of the ship, and several figures dressed in red showed up, practically charging up the loading ramp of the shuttle. 

Ben sighed. “Look alive, everyone — we’ve got company!”

Fighting off the figures was difficult. It was almost like they were made for combat, actually. Trained in it. And the more figures they killed, the more came. Finally, one of the figures caught Elias in a grip and spoke. “Cause any more trouble and your friend dies. Do you want to take that risk, Jedi?”

”No.” Ben was already scared for Elias. He couldn’t risk him being killed. 

“Follow us.”

They reached some sort of throne room, where more of the red-clad figures stood. At the end of the room sat a strange, almost bird-like figure in gold robes. He smiled even as he spoke, his voice a sort of rumble. “The Jedi prisoner. Are there others besides those you brought with you?”

“I — ’’

 “Are. There others?”

Ben felt himself lifted into the air, and he swore that he felt like Force Lightning was practically shooting through his body. Even as his body arched in the air, he gritted his teeth to keep from screaming, but it was no use. The Supreme Leader — Ben could feel how much honest to stars pleasure that the figure was taking in his pain. The figure tore through his memories like they were made of tissue. 

 ~~~~_The first time that Ben realized that he was in love with Poe, he was only a boy, only a child, and he doubted that Poe even knew it. He was fifteen, awkward. Not ugly, but definitely awkward. Everything about himself provoked some sort of self-consciousness — his large ears, his large nose, everything. And meanwhile, Poe was eighteen and practically beautiful — his thick, curly black hair, his brown eyes and olive skin. He was so gorgeous, so kind and brave and funny and smart, everything Ben wasn’t. If not for the fact that Poe actually lowered himself to actually spend time with Ben, actually seemed happy to talk with him and laugh with him, Ben would have hated him. If Poe wasn’t so kind and warm and friendly and caring and loving, Ben would have assumed that he had a rotten core he was covering up. But Poe wasn’t like that. Not even a little._

_Right now, he was stepping away from his friends (cooler friends than him, Ben thought with a pang of jealousy. Not like Poe seemed to think so; for some reason, maybe pity, he still...) to talk to Ben. Ben wondered at times why pilots traveled in packs. Stars knew._

_Poe wandered over to him, his droid BB-8 rolling by his side, and smiled at him. In Ben’s opinion, it only made Poe even more beautiful.  “Hey, Ben.”_

_”Hey.” Ben wished he didn’t feel suddenly shy and self-conscious in front of Poe. “How was flight practice?”_

_”Good. The others are really getting better. I’m damn proud of them.” Poe beamed, and even seeing the pride that Poe clearly had in his squad was just a bonus. “You? How’s training?”_

_”Good.” He didn’t mention Uncle Luke’s more frequent looks of worry, mostly when Ben had one of those fits of pique that were an adolescent’s wont. Or the matter of attachments, which he’d gotten a lecture on. It was like Luke sensed his feelings for Poe, and didn’t like them._

_He swallowed. “I like your jacket.” He wanted to change the subject onto just about anything else._

_“That thing? I just threw it on.”_

_”It looks nice."_

_Poe looked at him. Ben could practically count his eyelashes. "Thank you.”_

_”No problem.” Then, “Walk with me?”_

_Poe nodded._

_And even walking with Poe, talking about their days and helping him scrub down the X-wing, Ben wondered if there was a way to tell Poe how he felt — and have Poe return it._

  _But_   _Ben knew it wasn’t to be. After all, Poe lived in a world he couldn’t touch — a world that he was probably too tainted and wrong to touch. The way Uncle Luke looked at him sometimes only cemented that feeling. Like he was more of an abomination than a sentient being. Even looking at Poe made his heart break. Because in the end, Ben didn’t stand a chance._

The tears were all but welling up in that moment, and Ben swallowed. “Stop,” he said. “Really...stop. They’re just old memories.”

”And yet they affect you still.” The Supreme Leader dug further into his mind, yanking out another memory. 

  _Ben stumbled away from the Temple in that moment, tears staining his face. His breath was coming in gasps, and it was at least a cheap reassurance that he was still alive. That he had survived it all. He just wished that it hadn’t happened. That anything would have been better, so much better, than this._

_He knocked on the door of Poe’s house. He had to say goodbye to him before he left. He didn’t know where he would go, but it was anything far from here. Where he and the others could be safe._

_Safe. Would he ever know safe again? It was like his definition of safe had been shattered that night._

_Then the door opened and Ben almost burst into tears. He didn’t; it felt like his tears were paralyzed. But he wanted to._

_“Poe,” he said. “Thank the stars.”_

_”Are you all right?” Poe said. “You look — Ben, you look like the Corellian hells.”_

_Ben shrugged. “Depends on what your definition of all right is,” he said. “I’m...all right but not all right.”_

_Poe nodded. “Do you want to stay for the night?”_

_”I can’t. Poe...I have to tell you something.” A beat; Ben practically kneaded his lower lip with his teeth. “I’m leaving.”_

_Poe looked like he had been struck. “Ben...”_

_”I’m not safe here. I have to leave. Before...anyone else finds me. Poe...” He wanted to say “I love you", wanted to say it with every thread of his being, but kriff, it was like he couldn’t find the right words to say it and was he even worthy of it, was he —_

_This was him. Nineteen and still having no idea how to tell the man he loved that he loved him._

_“You’ll...” A beat. “You’ll always be my best friend. No matter what happens. Nothing’s going to change that.”_

_”Take me with you.” Poe’s voice was soft. “I’ll protect you.”_

_”No. None of it is your fault, Poe. I’m not dragging you into something that wasn’t your fault.” A beat. “Take care of yourself, Poe.”_

_Poe swallowed. “You too.”_

_Ben hugged him, tried to memorize the feel of Poe’s shorter body against his, the scent of him, along with other stuff he already memorized, like the color of his eyes and the mellifluous sound of his voice._

_Then he drew away and said, “Goodbye, Poe.”_

_He left. And deep in his heart, he hoped he’d done the right thing._

 “So you left him behind. Touching. To protect him. How...self-sacrificing of you.” The scorn in the figure’s voice could hardly be overstated. “Was it true love, I wonder? Was it, young Solo?”

“None of your business.”

”Every one of your thoughts is now my business.”

The tears were flowing and they weren’t stopping. “No...”

”Yes. From the beginning, it was so. And it continues to be so. You and your friends serve me now. You think that anyone else will accept you?” the Supreme Leader said. “You think that anyone else will forgive you after what you’ve done? I’m the only one who will yet offer you sanctuary, child. The others don’t want you. They never did.”

Ben bit his lip. The Supreme Leader was right, of course. No one else was going to accept him. Ben Solo, the boy with voices in his mind, the boy who had almost singlehandedly destroyed Luke Skywalker’s legacy. Even the fact that Luke had thought about killing him, that his worthless uncle had thought he was evil — that he wasn’t worth saving, that would hardly  hold up in galactic court. They would side with Luke. 

And the others...

And it was then that Ben made his decision. Because in the end, the Supreme Leader was all he had. For the both of them.

”I only have you,” he said. “I come from nothing. I am, and always was, nothing.”

”Don’t forget a disgraceful son to two towering icons. You can’t go back.”

Ben knew, more than anything, that was true. 

“Embrace your destiny, young Solo. They wanted a monster — you gave them one.”

”Yes.” Ben felt the finality of it all settle in his bones. “Yes. I am a monster.”

The Supreme Leader smiled the sort of smile that would impress a firaxan shark. “Precisely.”


	5. Cowardice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe remembers Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“You’re leaving.”

Poe stood there, flabbergasted, along with Leia and Han.

“I don’t get it,” Poe said. “I just...don’t.”

”It was my fault.”

”How?” Poe said.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

”Then make us understand.” Leia, gentler now. Poe envied her ability to be the sort of mediator in this situation. Luke Skywalker had seemed larger than life, a hero in Poe’s eyes, and now he was leaving...

"It’s time for the Jedi to end,” Luke said. “I should have known that for a long time now. All this research, all this effort...nothing made sense for quite some time. Now...”

Silence. Everyone seemed to be digesting what Luke said.  

 “I...I don’t believe this.” Poe ran a hand through his hair. “Your sister has more guts than you. Because she’s actually fighting. She’s not just fleeing when the going gets tough. You make a stand. You say no. You have the guts to do what’s right. You  _knew_ that and now you’re just running away like a coward.” A beat. “They should have called you Sky-Coward, because that’s what you are. A coward.”

Luke’s face became practically stormy. Then, “You know nothing about me. And I don’t think you ever will.”

He left. Leia rounded on Poe next. “What have you done?”

”Told the stanging truth, that’s what. Your brother’s a coward and you’re too good for him.” Poe sighed. “There’s no excuse for running away. Ever ever.”

He walked away. Even as he did so, he felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. He shouldn’t have called an obviously grieving man a coward. Maybe Luke felt guilty, that’s why he was going away. But you didn’t just run away.

And then there was one of many times he had seen Luke angry. 

***

_It was coming back from one of the missions he was on that Poe had to admit — he was glad to be back at the Academy. There was something wondrous about seeing new planets, but there was also a lot of roughness involved with different missions, naturally. Roughness that made Poe glad that he was back at the Academy, where things were more peaceful._

_Glad that he was home. And the funny thing was that Ben had good as become like his home, the sort of person who Poe associated with his home as much as anyone or anything else. Even as he ran across the fields, BB-8 cheerfully rolling away at his side, at the sight of Ben — Poe felt like he was well and truly home._

_Ben hugged him. Poe didn’t linger too long; he didn’t want Ben to ask questions. Like what he was doing taking in his scent of simply being out in the Yavin jungle after what felt like too long. Or realizing that Ben was getting even more muscular; he wasn’t that too-thin, almost fragile-looking kid that his father tried feeding anymore. He was huge, and it was like Poe was all but engulfed in his body._

_Whatever workout routine Ben was using, it was working, clearly._

_”You changed your jacket.” Ben’s teeth practically kneaded his lips, and Poe’s breath hitched. He looked practically adorable when he did that._

_“Yeah.” Poe swept his black hair out of his eyes. “I lost the other one.”_

_”It suits you,” Ben said, and Poe already felt a pleasant sort of heat travel up his cheeks._

_“Well, thanks.” Poe flashed a smile. “Guess that’s one of my talents, really. Finding new leather jackets.”_

_Ben laughed. Stars, he looked so gorgeous when he laughed. Poe had heard some people around the Academy call Ben ugly, but he couldn’t say he understood it, not even a little.  Poe stared at him, and it lasted long enough for him to say, “Sorry. I just...missed you...”_

Because I love you so much,you damn fool. _And he already felt self-conscious about Ben hearing it, because what if Ben laughed? Not that Ben would, and yet..._

_”So,” Poe said, “How’s the Academy?”_

_“Nothing new,” Ben said. “Mostly been training.”_

_”I noticed.” Poe said. “You’ve definitely gotten stronger.”_

_A nod. “I’ve been practicing.” Ben sighed. “I’m not a good duelist, though. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good at anything.”_

_”Don’t talk about yourself like that.”_

_Ben shrugged. “It’s okay. Really. I mean, if they made a bio-holo about my life, it would probably be ‘The Mediocre Jedi’.”_

_”Come on, Ben. You’re funny, you’re kind, you’re clever...you’re not mediocre. And even if you were...I’d still pick you over some of the aces I’ve met.”_

_Ben stopped. He looked genuinely caught off-guard. “Really?”_

_”Really really.”_

_Ben blushed — honest to stars blushed. Then, “Thank you, Poe.”_

_”No problem.” Poe placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder, really put it there. He could feel just how solid Ben was underneath his robes. He couldn’t help but feel at least a twinge of jealousy, a twinge of something else even as he wondered what it would be like to touch. “Your arms...”_

_”You want to see?”_

_Poe, after a while, nodded._

_Ben rolled up his sleeves slowly, tentatively, and oh — his arms were practically muscular, well-formed, sculpted. Poe ran his knuckles down a bicep, gasping even as he felt muscle beneath, pure sculpted muscle._

_He swore that Ben’s breath hitched as Poe touched his biceps. Their eyes were wide, and Poe said, “You’ve really been working hard.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_Ben pulled down his sleeve, and Poe drew away his hand, but Poe could still feel, in his mind, how solid Ben was. How muscular. He looked at Ben, really looked at him, and in that moment, he couldn’t help but notice how lush and full Ben’s lips were, how soft. They were within kissing distance, and Poe was wondering how soft they were and what they would feel like under his —_

_Poe’s reverie was broken by the sound of someone clearing his throat. They looked towards the source, and there was Master Skywalker, his glare that seemed just about customary all but engraved into his face. He didn’t just seem disapproving, but outright angry. “What do you think you’re doing?”_

_Ben was the first to reply with a sarcastic comment. “Is having a conversation against the Code now?”_

_”Being a snarky brat will get you nowhere, Ben Solo. You know exactly what you’re doing.  Batting your eyes at Poe Dameron like that, using your looks against him...”_

_The silence was more awkward than Poe had ever experienced it._

_Ben sighed. “If you really think my looks would do the trick, you need to get your vision checked, Uncle. Second off, I was just catching up with Poe.”_

_”So you say.”_

_Luke looked up towards the Academy; one of the masters was calling for him to get up there, as they’d had a bit of an injury. Luke turned to Ben and Poe, shooting them both looks that suggested that it wasn’t over._

_Once he was thankfully out of earshot, Ben turned to look at Poe, and Poe saw that despite his earlier sarcastic comments, he looked shaken. Poe hated it. Hated that Luke could have that sort of power over Ben. It wasn’t right, or fair._

_“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have let it get — ’’_

_“No. Ben...he’s too hard on you. And I think...” Poe swallowed; how did he put this without ruining what he and Ben had? If Ben rejected him..._

_”What?”_

 “ _I think you’re very...pretty. You’re pretty.”_

_Ben smiled. “I wish I was.”_

_”You really are.” Even looking up at Ben, Poe swore he could get lost in those terribly expressive eyes. The fine sculpt of his prominent nose, his full, kissable lips. Poe wanted to kiss him, but how did he phrase it? A kiss would be like a thermal detonator thrown into their friendship, but kriff, he wanted Ben, wanted Ben so much..._

_“You’re beautiful, and more than that, you’re a good person. That’s more important than being beautiful. Most people...” Poe sighed. “My dad once said that the smallest minds around focus solely on looks. You’re not just pretty, Ben. You're a good person.”_

_"Thank you.”_

_Poe didn’t know if Ben fully believed it. But it felt good to say, at least._

***

Now, heading up to his bedroom, Poe wasn’t just angry at Luke. He was angry at himself. Angry for not saying anything to Ben about how he felt. Because he’d been scared. Stupid stupid. He could take on a mission without fear, but when it came to how he felt about Ben...

It seemed, he thought, Luke wasn’t the only coward.  


	6. Christening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren takes on his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The bedroom that Ben Solo was in might as well have been a prison cell. It wasn’t that it was necessarily a bad bedroom, it wasn’t unappealing, but Ben knew full well what he was in for. It was one of those things that felt small and confining, like Ben was a wild animal, and this was his cage. 

This was his life now. Without his family, without Poe...

This was his home. Ben-Solo-that-was might as well have been murdered in that hut, Luke’s murder attempt might as well have been successful, and now he was in a transition state. Who was he? Maybe he defied labels right now. 

Maybe...

He lay down on the bed. It was spare, almost as spare as the bed back at the hut. It was like some sort of dark reflection of that place. 

There was a workbench over by the door. Ben got up, walked over towards it, placed his old blue lightsaber on the workbench. Even that wasn’t sufficient enough. Long ago, maybe it was. When he was trying to be Ben Solo the good boy, the good Jedi, the perfect son, perfect perfect _perfect —_

All of it didn’t matter anymore. 

***

“What do you require, young Solo?”

”A new weapon,” Ben said. “It’s time I let my old self die.”

Snoke looked thoughtful, tapping his chin. “You want a new lightsaber?”

Ben nodded. “I am no longer Ben Solo,” he said. “And I don’t want to be.”

”I know. I thought that much. The boy christened Ben Solo might as well have been destroyed. He was weak.”

”Yes. And foolish.” Ben took a deep breath. “I am more than that now.”

”You are. I have been forming this order for quite some time. The Knights of Ren.”

Ben furrowed his brow. 

“The two sides of the Force, child. The Dark Side and the Light. You have them especially prominent in you, young Solo.” A beat. “Of course, as you get stronger, your equal in the Light may yet rise. But you are what I’ve crossed galaxies to find. Raw, untamed power, the potential of your bloodline, and the two forces at war inside you. The Jedi Order never accepted you, child. Now, don’t blame yourself; they were always small-minded and foolish and afraid of the extraordinary. But not me.”

Ben bit his lip. “Can you...show me more of what I can do?”

”My child,” Snoke said, “It’s what I was meant to do from the start. You need a teacher. A competent teacher. I had high hopes for Skywalker, and he left me with nothing. Kneel.”

Ben did. 

Snoke rose from his throne. Walked towards Ben; Ben could hear his footsteps. Then, “As ren has written, let it be done. As ren has bid it, let it be willed. As ren has destined, let us be joined.”

Snoke placed a hand beneath Ben’s jaw, tilted it upwards to look at him. Snoke’s eyes seemed so very cold, so very blue. 

“As ren would decree it,” said Snoke, “Your old name, Ben Solo, is done. From this moment henceforth, it shall be a crime to speak of it in the First Order.”

Ben could live with that. 

“You shall be known as Kylo Ren. May you be known for your great feats in the First Order, and beyond.”

Kylo Ren left for his chambers this time feeling a renewed sense of purpose. For the first time, he felt like all his freakishness, all his abnormalities, now had a place — and it was with Snoke. 

For the first time, he thought, he had a future. 


End file.
